Thursday, July 30, 2009

Reflection

So tonight my 5 year old daughter and I got into a really big fight...yeah something that would happen when she was like a teenager. Yelling, screaming, attitude, mean things said and craziness. Well she has been acting up lately and it has been really bothering my husband and I. We have not known how to really deal with it...so tonight it came to a HUGE fight. Well then afterwards there were a lot of tears and apologies. I feel horrible, she feels horrilble and then we hugged, forgive each other and took a walk before bed. Well I can not get over it. I have been praying and crying and I just can't seem to move past it...so I knew I needed to blog about it to get the thoughts out of my head. Well how do I expect so much from a 5 year old when I have barely any self control as well. She talks with attitude as do I and she yells as do I. She is me...and parts of her are the bad parts of me. It is really hard. Your child is a mirror of you...whether you like it or not. And I do not like it. It is really hard at five to figure this all out, because now she is who she is. I love who she is don't get me wrong, but her stubborness and her attitude and not listening drive me bonkers. I wish I could have done it all over again. I was young, naive and a single parent and I did not take my job seriously. (Parenting Job.) It breaks my heart that I have been this way...you know so much more with your second child and with age. I feel like I cheated my first born out of alot of things. I am a great parent now and I am trying to do my best with my second one who is almost six months old, everything I did wrong with Chloe I promise I will not do with Ella. But how is that fair...it is hard to realize but it is reality. I just am doing my best now and I pray for her and my relationship that it will be strong and I also pray for the teenage years that we will have figure it out before that time comes. Also I have been praying about it and I feel that God is telling me to not care what other people think. I want Chloe to be the perfect child, because it is a reflection of me...but you know what I have to stop caring about what people think and start being an advocate for my daughter...who cares what people think about me as a parent...I care what Chloe thinks of me and God, because in the end that is what matters. My relationship with Jesus and my family.
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1 comment:

  1. UnknownJuly 31, 2009 at 6:40 AM

    Jess.
    I would like to give you a piece of advice, and you can take it or leave it... 'Give yourself a break!'
    We, as humans, are imperfect. We faulter, and fail, and we give God chances to shine in our lives through our brokeness, because it is not about us - ultimately, it is about him. Give yourself a break and give Chloe one too, because perfection will never be reached. You will make mistakes with Ella too, it is inevitable, but don't beat yourself up, forgive yourself and grow from it. No one is perfect, Only Christ!
    Chloe is an amazing little girl, I do not think that anyone looks at her and thinks of her as being a bad child. As parents, we see all of the things that no one else does, so to you she may seem really tough, but I think that that is the case with most parents and their children... To me Madi is so much work, she is already defiant, high maintenance, and stubborn - but to everyone else, she is this perfect little angel, I think that there is some unwritten dynamic between parent child relationships that no one knows about until they have children...
    So, anyways... Good for you for pouring your heart out, and just remember this won't be the last time you are challenged, but keep your head held high, and give it to God, and it will be doable!
    Love you sweetie,
    Becca

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